Dealing With Oversharing

At this point, most of my clients are probably tired of hearing me say the word “boundaries”. It is hard to stop mentioning the importance of boundaries because they are such a key component of our relationships and self-care. When I think about some of the issues my clients face during the holidays, boundary violations are often a major concern. Trying to decipher what and when to share with others can be difficult. A recent article titled “The Power of Boundaries” published in the Psychology Today magazine discusses oversharing and how to deal with others who expect an uncomfortable amount of self-disclosure. My biggest takeaway from the article is that we want to be able to share and be vulnerable with others, but we also want to feel safe while doing it. I think this also resonates with my client’s experiences. 

So how do we strike a balance between building relationships and monitoring what feels appropriate to share? 

I think a solid first step is to take an inventory of the topics you are more than comfortable discussing with others. Many of my clients are used to hearing “How’s work?” or “How’s school?” from family members that they may not be as close to during holiday gatherings. The answers to those questions are probably surface enough to share. After you have decided what feels comfortable to share, think about with whom you feel comfortable sharing that information. I like to think about how much is shared with other people in tiers. The newer or less intimate relationships may serve as the first tier and only have access to information that is not as personal, like the brief check-in about school or work. The most intimate or top tier relationships may feel safer to share more about personal feelings and significant events.

The conversation I have with my clients is about identifying the level of trust and safety in a particular relationship and determining the “tier” of details that feels fitting to disclose.

The other issue that I notice my clients deal with is how to set boundaries with people who have an expectation of oversharing and how to set boundaries with people that usually overshare. Similar to how we determine what relationship feels appropriate to receive certain information is how we can decide what feels like too much to receive from others. My clients will sometimes talk about feeling blindsided by co-workers sharing overly personal details about their intimate relationships or family issues. If this pattern continues, the listener may start to feel responsible for the oversharer’s issues. These are some examples of boundary setting that I discuss with clients in similar situations:

-Acknowledge what has been shared, but don’t engage with the details. You may say something like “Wow, that sounds hard,” and move to a lighter conversation. Sometimes, it may be appropriate to offer other resources or people for that person to talk to about the things they shared.

-Give yourself limits and stick to them. Sometimes situations aren’t as clear about how to set boundaries. Make a mental note about how much time you can give to someone else’s issues and shift your attention to your needs when that time has ended. 

-Create a phrase that protects the information you are uncomfortable sharing. “I usually keep that information between me and my partner.” “I’ll share the highlights of what happened.” “For some reason I like to protect that information.” “Let’s talk about something else.” Having a quick response of phrase can lessen the anxiety of feeling pressured to overshare.

Boundaries are such an important part of our everyday lives and overall mental health. The most helpful part about boundaries is that we don’t always have to have a perfect understanding of them.

They are complex and can always change if needed. 

If you’re interested in learning more about your own boundaries, working with a counselor can be helpful. Contact us today to learn more about our services.

Authored by Lakeita Roberts, LPC