Words to Leave in 2019
The words we use matter both in relationships with others and with ourselves. There are all sorts of things we can tell ourselves that hurt without us realizing it. The following are very common words I hear others telling themselves, and just as I challenge my clients in my therapy sessions, I am challenging you to notice when you use the words. Notice what changes when you change your language! Change up the following and you might see improved confidence in the moment and over time.
Should
Should is often a shaming word. Usually used in the context of what you “should do”/“should have done” (shame) or what someone else “should do” (expectation), it tends to be harsh. Soften it up with with something that feels more accurate.
Binaries (good/bad, healthy/unhealthy)
Words that give you rigid, black and white options like “good/bad” don’t leave room for the grey areas. Life usually happens in the grey areas, so give yourself some room to explore what happens outside of binaries.
Absolutes (always/never)
Especially when used in an argument, absolutes inevitably increase defensiveness. For example, if you tell your partner “You never do anything for the family,” there is going to be wiggle room for them to say all the things they actually do for the family. Instead, describe something very specific and factual, like “When you don’t do the dishes, I feel taken advantage of” or “I would appreciate if you picked up the kids a couple times a week, so I can have a bit of extra time to myself.”
Minimizers (but, just, kinda)
Taking “but” out of your common vocabulary can be a game changer. Take this statement for example: “I’m mad, but I’ll get over it.” The word “but” discounts the first part of the sentence. In order to not minimize your emotional experience, replace “but” with “and”—this allows both sides of the sentence to be true! Remove “just” and “kinda” and you’ll likely be expressing yourself more accurately, too!
Fine
I assure you, you don’t need the word “fine” any more! It’s not doing you any favors. At the very least, “fine” does not describe an emotion. When you say “I’m fine,” this could mean anything from “I feel content” to “Back off and leave me alone.” It can be confusing for others, and doesn’t accurately tell people where you’re at. Try digging a little deeper to see how you’re actually feeling, and leave “fine” in 2019.
Authored by: Jessica Chavolla, LPC